Loneliness

Loneliness  -  by Dinesh K Kapila.

There is a context to each article a writer or a part time writer like me attempts. In this particular case, my mind – now is there such a thing – or brain in its idle moments has often ruminated over this.  By the way, the  world of fiction often deals with matters of the heart and brain, but then its all in the brain as we now know. Just what is this loneliness or being lonely or being alone, can we seek it out, should we even seek it out, can it be sought out atleast sometimes, I do not know. I do seek answers but as yet they elude me.  

The context to this article, well, friends and colleagues often stating how lucky I am to be in Kashmir in cooler climes.  They know fully well I am alone here, but then as two relatives discussed with each other, one in his thirties and one in his forties, it only made me luckier !. How do I know what they spoke about, well strange is the world of relatives too, nothing can be a secret for long ! Then on New Year’s Day my children drove over to a market in Chandigarh to buy some products, they paid for the parking ticket and wished the young parking attendant a Happy New Year, he got emotional and simply said, “400 to 500 vehicles have already passed through, you are the first to wish me”. The young man was truly alone in a sea of humanity in a busy market place, my son was really moved by this experience.   Such events trigger reflections and thoughts from deep within.   

What can be loneliness, in a real sense, well I realised this last winter in Srinagar. I was alone in a four storeyed house on the ground floor as the watchman living on the fourth floor often slipped out. The other floors were without tenants and new tenancies are rare in winter.  My landlord in the house next door and his tenant in that building left for a warmer Delhi, as did the occupants of a house next door and some other houses nearby. If at all they were occupied, it was by a few people or men attending to their business. As such days in winter are freezing cold and their duration short, the clouds stay on permanently as described in Russian literature, its all very bleak and hazy and the nights are way colder. The snow falls frequently in a city without central heating in houses and the ice remains frozen by the side of roads for weeks.  The offices open late, close early, the main arms of the government shift to Jammu and the focus of people is to stock up on rations and live through the days.   

In such a scenario, the house I lived in was an experience in what it is to be lonely. No sound was to be  heard if I was at home except that of my television set or music system.  No sound from any house nearby. The lunch hour, if I came home was mine only, the odd vehicle if I saw one at all being rare, the nights were really silent and eerie. A sense of being insecure in a emotionally surcharged land would also creep in at times. My kitchen over looks a house across a  road, I would wait to see a light in that house. Every night I would hear a vehicle drive in at around 9.00 pm to 9.30 pm and then a light would be switched on at the ground floor, then in the kitchen and later in a room upstairs. There was no contact, just the sound of the gate opening and a view of the lighted up bulb  was enough to give me a feeling of satisfaction I cannot explain. Sundays were particularly hard at times, I could  sleep through and work on my health but what you just want to hear at times  is maybe just the chirping of birds or the shouts of excited young boys playing a game.  Saturdays could be spent on a bit of office work and walking around, going for a drive but yes, you do learn to live with yourself. Happily.   

That is another discovery, passing time with yourself. It can be done and quite successfully at that, read a book, pray, do watch the television, sometimes listen to music,  attend to household chores, massage yourself to get rid of a dry skin from wearing layers of clothes, then there is social media. Eat, the cold makes you snack. Then at times do nothing, period.  Just sit, have a hot cup of tea or kava or sip  a drink slowly, sit on a sofa next to a heater and let the time pass. It passes. Do not attempt to control time or time the passing of time, just calmly let it go its way. You find it imparts a feeling of letting go and comfort without making you lonely.

But then you have days of heavy snowfall, the power lines are all hanging from poles, they snap and at least twice I was without power for over 36 hours. Then you learn the value of learning to sleep for hours !. You cannot get out, there is over a foot of snow mostly, just ensure you are stocked up and go with the flow.  Stocking up is an art, read the forecast, watch the skies and rush to the market once the snow looks like becoming intense.

The loneliness is of a different kind once the power snaps, smartphones get discharged quickly as do laptops, I was lucky to have an old mobile phone which I charged from a solar lantern (Thank God the charge cord was old fashioned and compatible) and got back in touch with my family and colleagues here at Srinagar after twelve hours or so. We at Srinagar were all prisoners in our places but could talk at least. That itself was a relief.       

Then there is the loneliness of making not being able to make general conversation and interaction, that is a stark reality. The value of making conversation without having to measure your words provides a degree of comfort which I have learnt to value now. There is also the loneliness of being alone even when being in a group, if your mindset, priorities and interests vary. The office one can attend to for long hours but the companionship beyond office hours is a different matter. Lastly, the loneliness when your team members from other states go on leave together, even spending a weekend knowing you are alone in the city can lead to a different feeling of loneliness.     

But life can be funny, different and varied, its multi hued and multi dimensional, and so is loneliness. As a District Development Manager for three districts in Punjab, I would often have to drive over to Nurpur Bedi, I preferred going alone at times, a winding road around small rolling hills, it had little traffic and serene. I would often stop and just watch. Then often returning from Nawanshahr I would stop and watch the cattle being herded back in Balachaur Block, this was different, the setting sun, the dust raised by the cattle and vast level plains, the pastoral scene was idyllic. Often in my office, in the late evenings I treasured the days of October to November, the days would be changing over to a shorter duration, the setting sun and cooler climate gave off a feeling of peace  and tranquility.  

Loneliness has a strong physical dimension too, in the context of being alone. Try driving through dense fog or clouds, as I did with colleagues I HP, you feel alone as the group falls silent due to the feeling of insecurity. Ever noticed on flights, in intense turbulence, the silence is total ! There is also the cabin syndrome form of loneliness, of bosses wondering what’s being discussed outside but that’s another story.  

So finally, does one seek out loneliness, not really unless you are a religiously inclined person looking for prolonged meditation and a power higher than humanity. But small spells of loneliness or rather being with oneself are I think required at times, to sit back and think and catch up with oneself. More than with family, first a person must catch up with himself, if he is comfortable with himself, he can be at peace and contribute effectively to his family. This builds better communication too within the family and then radiates outwards. In a family, I wonder if many have felt; specially on holidays something unique, you feel you are together, even when silent, maybe on a long drive, enjoying a tranquil sight, there is just no feeling of loneliness.   

Life has its ebbs and tides, tough times and days of happiness, tranquil days and fast paced days. Even if alone physically, I think the trick lies in being in touch with oneself primarily and being active in office and social interactions which come your way.   Just go with the flow.

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