The Hidden Crisis - Covid And it’s Fall Out - Gender Equations

 The Hidden Crisis - Covid And it’s Fall Out - Gender Equations

Dinesh K Kapila

It’s been a year and slightly more. The Covid crisis has seen us through a huge phase of upheaval and it has been an emotional crisis, a financial crisis, a socio economic crisis and has caused fresh fault lines and strains in families too. The prolonged stay at home and the work from home has been a process of discovery and not always a pleasant experience for many. It has been a voyage of discovery for many about their loved ones, specially the partner or parents. Specially in laws.

The economy may be recovering and we may have coined new concepts, the gig economy, the concept of digitech cum fintech, work from home etc. The stock markets have recovered substantially and the entrepreneurs from the low cost brokerage houses are grinning from ear to ear. Funds for investment are stated to be surplus as families have moved back to their home towns and are working from there. This is supposed to be a very positive development and the brokerage houses are stressing this consistently.

Actually there is a hidden crisis afoot. For some families. Let me say that. It’s not universal according to me but yes some fault lines are there./One which has caused a varied degree of friction too and revealed fresh pressure points in many households. This will not be stated outright by any family or a young daughter in law but it comes out gradually over a period of time. Or as in my case if you get requests for guidance or just sharing, the issues emerge and one can only show a pathway or two. Plus my long walks in a city nearby till recently and now here have also been an eye opener.But let me reiterate that there are many happy families out there with the support an₹ back up of the in laws and this is most heartening. But that does not imply we can over look Certain concerns which are faced by many youngsters and specially young daughters in law.

As young couples moved back from the metros to the smaller towns, stress was a given. For many. Even for single youngsters it has been a process of readjustment and painful for both the parents and the youngsters alike. A small issue like just having a beer or a night out with friends can be a source of conflict. Now the young man or young woman has stayed independently and evolved a different lifestyle with fellow colleagues and friends and now having to adjust to parental control and frowns is not easy. Plus their cultural values. There are strong cultural underpinnings to this as is understandable.Add to this the social norms of many smaller towns and it is not easy for both the parents and the youngsters. . This clash has occurred in many a household as both sides readjust but most youngsters would be more than ready to move back, to the metros or mini metros, if this virus was to fade out. This is what some do discuss.

The more serious issues are for young couples, a challenge more where cultures vary and could be at a cross purpose. The young family, staying alone, had built its own lifestyle and culture. Plus the couple actually knew each other rather than the parents or in laws or the respective families. The couple may have taken pains to evolve as per their perceived norms of lifestyle in a metro or mini metro and also as per the norms of their peer group or the corporate body they work in.

Work from home from a home town has been a major challenge in that context, specially for young couples. I have always stated and held the view that our nation is a society in flux and made up of multiple cultures.The culture of the parents or rather in laws may not be the culture or lifestyle now of the young couple. After alll the parents look at the degree, the placement and the apparent financial well being of the groom to be’’s family while assessing the matrimonial alliance. Culture is difficult to assess or judge plus the thought often is that the young couple would stay away from the parents. But as the young ladies often tell me, we have evolved and we have our ambitions and thought processes but sadly many a times the in laws are stuck in a certain time zone. Add to that the propensity of many an Indian Young Married Man to just go mum in the presence of his parents and just about fade out except to stay focused on his work. At times the acquired culture, if it is so, may also fade away in the presence of the parents. Honestly a word or two put in by a young man would go a long way to sort out issues or to at least provide some back up to the young wife. And the in laws should remember the essence of the wedding ceremony, that they are now vested with the welfare and happiness of the daughter in law, its not just a platitude or meant to be on their specific terms.

Parents have sacrificed a lot in India, this is a fact and duly acknowledged. It has been a long drawn out drive to educate the children, push them through professional colleges and then see the rewards in terms of the salary and placement. This is universal. But alongside the young man evolves and though he may balance it between home and office, but staying away in a metro or mini metro has also been a sort of release of the pressure valve.

Now moving back and staying together and working from home or looking for fresh opportunities in a smaller town has thrown up for many personal issues,

With due respect I would request parents to also evolve and move out of their comfort zones or at least not make a show of being rigid, I know of cases where young working wives have been told by the mom in law to accord priority to the husband (son) forgetting her work is equality important. And it is accentuated if the young lady comes from a family where the parents may have been aware, supportive and more understanding. And often shelter is sought in some old social mores such as the exalted status of a groom’s family and its attendant norms.

Many an in law is stuck in a time zone of old and one mode could be short counselling cum discussion sessions on the media. We need to ‘inner stand’ this in our cultural context. Nobody talks about it but the issue is there for many. It’s a nation with each family at times literally at varying levels of mores and values and beliefs. I am not discussing the more prosaic part of a normal adjustment or understanding but the deeper need to evolve and accept the role and place of the daughter in law.. Many a family is happily placed and blessings to them. But where it is relevant, there self realisation plus a back up from the husband could be a facilitator. And counselling. This is important.

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ila and 7 others

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