The Mother in Law and the Pious Lady Syndrome in India
Dinesh K
Kapila
While not generalising, I can safely say that
many daughters in law in India seek to live separately even if it costs heavily
on rent rather than stay with the in laws. The father in laws and the husbands
don’t actually count, they are so busy in working or idling or leading a
peaceful retired life or even sitting at religious gatherings, they don’t even
realise the daily poisonous drama just about occurring on a daily basis in
front of their eyes. The normal jostling for space and a say in affairs are
minor issues, but it is the more pronounced ones which are often never
discussed but are a reality.
Not that the daughters in law are all the
epitome of nature’s bountiful kindness, some go on the attack right from the
beginning, the threat perception being neutralised, even if it was never there .or
straight away insist on moving out. And
the victimhood syndrome, one rather obnoxious specimen died, she may have been
a good mother, pampered the daughter and son in law, the son, the husband and
the grand children but she drove the daughter in law nuts. All my life I was
told about her plight. Well this rather obnoxious specimen of humanity died, I
found the daughter in law crying away. At first I was very careful, I know I
get into trouble rather easily by voicing my views, so I studied her to make
out how much of it was drama, but realised there were tears. Meanwhile I was
consoling the son and husband etc, had to, one has to. So when other mourners
walked away, I quietly walked up and said in what I thought was a low voice,
“congratulations, the devil in your life is dead, you are free now”. And she snapped at me, “look around, people are watching, and
how can you take death so lightly”. Well, I just wrote her off, right there, as
per me, she is a hypocrite or by now sufficiently brainwashed and trained !
The wonder is, since we have arranged marriages
in our culture, all prospective mothers in law are the following, a pious and
religious lady, a pious and spiritually inclined lady, a simple housewife
engaged in running the house, a loving mother and wife who has a simple life, a
pious and simple lady with a modern outlook, a religious lady who respects
modern trends and culture, you have got it. All are followers of some Guru,
visit Ashrams or Gurudwaras, have limited desires, just want to see the son
happily settled, can drop religious quotes and philosophise on life, as I have
understood all across the years.
Then at the preliminary meetings, many are so
open to new ideas, talk about the young needing their space and time, times
have changed, girls have to work you know or how would the house run, we all
need to be flexible, I just want our son to be happy etc. Its time we stepped
back a bit and let the youngsters take up the responsibility. I know it sounds
so nice. And heavenly. But a few do reveal their hand, one was bold enough to
ask the girl to stand up and walk a bit and the stand next to the boy ,
incidentally, all prospective grooms are boys, even at 33 years ! Then some samples who are on the way to
evolve as moms in law cannot but help look at all the objects round them, again
and again, then the girl’s dress and even her teeth (I know this for a
fact). One must look at the eyes and face, the ones
who come with a swollen face and a frown should be avoided at all costs. They normally prove to be the most difficult
to handle and please, specially if they use old fashioned severe rectangular
framed spectacles.
But come the actual marriage, what a
metamorphosis. The simple, pious, God Fearing, spiritual, religious lady
changes. Overnight. For the newly arrived daughter in law, entering a household
all by herself, it can be a stunning change around. One mom in law makes her
daughter in law cook each and every dish
for lunch and dinner, pack her lunch, walk to the bus stop some distance away,
the change two buses to work. The husband (the loving son) is meanwhile reading
the newspaper or cleaning the car, he just never ever notices. Nor does the
father in law as he sits and reads his newspaper calmly and sips his tea, even
if the daughter in law is running late and the father in law wants more tea,
she has to make that too. The mother in law could be meanwhile bathing, reading
the scriptures, watching a religious discourse
on TV but she knows exactly what the daughter in law is doing. I men,
after all these years, after hearing and knowing so many such episodes and
cases, I say hats off to our women who come to work and give it a good shot,
hardy ever sharing what is actually going on in their domestic lives.
One family I came to know, yearly, the trip to
a most sanctified religious place is a must. There while praying they serve
food, clean shoes and do all noble deeds but the mother in law is an ogre and her
son (the husband) a first rate doormat. The weak and silent types. May are, why
blame him only. And the father of the guy actually supports the wife openly.
The list is endless, husbands reluctant to include their wife’s name on
property papers as the mother is
frowning and what not.
Yep, there are
changes, after all the mom n law has to grow old too, some then try the
dose of sweetness too, but many stay steadfast to their role and well defined
commitment to trouble in one way or the other their daughters in law. The son
in law meanwhile enjoys an exalted status, much out of proportion to what he
deserves. A bit if pampering and indulgence is a given but not the royal first
class treatment. This is yet another facet of our culture. But the son in law
is a VIP but the daughter in law an intruder. It’s a contrast.
There are plenty of good moms in law out there
but the negative and vicious or the insecure dictatorial types tend to
dominate. The sons are such sweet doormats while the fathers in law make good
statements but leave it at that.
One can only hope this endless circle starts
changing over and rightfully so. Meanwhile three cheers to the good mothers in
law and may the Good Lord know where to place you when the time comes for
the Hitlerian ones !
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