The Question - What is this

 The Question - What is this -

I watched them at Benares Airport, then at Lucknow Airport (as we transited through) and then at Chandigarh airport. The lady in her early sixties, looking quite cultured and well dressed. Her husband, looking distinguished for his age and his mom. The gentleman’s mother was using a stick and I did not see her lips move even once, ok maybe a couple it times for a few seconds, mostly she was just sitting with her son. Silent. I know the lady’s name, the daughter in law, as I could make our, as she was just ahead of me and fumbled for her ID’s but I will not risk a law suit by writing names !!

When the mom in law had to use the restroom (washroom, bathroom, take your pick), at Benares, she made a face, of such sacrifice and irritation, but escorted her. The body language was of a favour done reluctantly and with no option. Back from the restroom, as the mom in law sat beside her son, the lady realising she had to sit beside her mom in law, sat in another row. Now I was interested.

In the bus to the small aircraft we had to board, she occupied the more convenient seat first and then gestured to her mom in law to take a seat a row away. A gesture, by pointing out with her finger. The husband just carried the bag and moved along. He made his mother sit and then stood alone looking into the distance. Not that there is much to look at any airport Tarmac. He just glanced once to see if his wife was comfortable.

At Lucknow, the husband did the errands for tea and coffee and snacks, she, the wife, browsed the mobile and the went through the bakery shop. She barely glanced at the old lady. Even if the old lady gestured to her to share the food. She ate her food away from them and then moved around looking at the books, drinks and snacks.

And the behaviour was repeated at the boarding and when she realised the three were together in a row in the aircraft, she made the husband give up the aisle seat and plonk down on the middle seat. The degree of separation was duly ensured. She was only animated at Chandigarh airport as she walked swiftly to the cab leaving her husband and mom in law behind. The poor husband, he stayed quiet, never showed any anger or irritation, he just managed the situation smoothly. And the old lady just stayed quiet. And followed her son. Walking only when he told her.

Question.

Is the lady in question demonstrating incorrect behaviour. Or is there a bitter past when she was young and the old mom in law young and had her way and May be troubled her. We just don’t know. So we cannot judge but we can think over it. It could also be that her very nature is hostile or that years ago she did not realise her marriage came with the in laws in the giving care loop. Or that the now quiet pleasant looking old lady was in fact a most dominating mom in law in her heydays. And maybe it’s a warning in a way or a forecast of what may lie ahead for the mom in law, misbehave today think you are the one only and maybe get royally ignored in your old age. So you might as well get along now within defined boundaries even if the personalities don’t match up. Questions. Questions. What could it be. I am wondering.

DKK

Reactions

I guess the answer to that you’ll never know…but it’s a pity that relationships reach this stage of disconnect…

Its sad how we let our past control our present without thinking what could be waiting for us in our future. Situations are all temporary but realization comes only if we let it Come. The unanswered Questions.

Human relations are very very complex. Some answers can never be found

DK boss G ,

It’s a real pleasure to read the many such beautiful ( the issue may not be as beautiful , but very relevant socially ) post you pen down based on your observations and experiences around .

Yes we can keep wondering why such behaviour of the lady , but like you said there could be not so good history !!

Times have changed too much for bad or for worse . Everyone wants freedom in their lives . And given the circumstances and complexities of life , it’s very difficult to for two generations to stay in one house . Leave alone daughter in law or son in law , it takes not of effort even the nuclear family to survive the pressures . So many factors come in play , personal choices / aspirations/ desires/ interests/ priorities and most importantly, with passage of time ( and because of being on devices / social media ) , we have definitely become less patient and it’s difficult for most to adjust / give space .

I toh have decided for sure that it’s to be husband - wife only . Grown and married Kids ( lot of time still ) welcome for few days or few weeks but temporary.

And when later health is not so good than rely on network of siblings , support each other , be close. And then we have new concept of old age community living !!

Good day !

Regards

Dinesh

Some observation on Mr Husband , assuming he is financially independent and not dependent on Mrs Wife .

1 . He should arranged for tea snacks on own . Better still should have managed to get it from home . If he can afford maids . Bring tea in kettle / paratha or purchase from whatever available.

2 . Should have told Mrs wife about the fact that he will sit in middle seat ( preempted instead of making a spectacle of the family )

3 . Should have been talking to mother more .

4 . Could have arranged wheel chair so that u have airlines taking care of. ( wash room etc )

And many more things he could have done .

Good question Danny. The Whys are difficult to answer. But having observed some such attitudes of both, MIL n DIL , amongst a few friends n relatives, mayb the tables have turned. The DIL is getting back at her MIL or the younger one is too selfcentered .

Very difficult to judge.

Hmm DAnny mom in law is a tarnished image for generations together 🤪🤪

But yes it depends on the two individuals mom in law and daughter in law to give each other space whenever needed and bask in the glory of a decent relationship 🌹🤪

Hmm yes … though traditional Indian mothers never get “ exhausted “ in raising kids in best possible manner .

Let me tell u another experience of mine …. I went for a family dinner at Chandigarh to Dr frd of mine ( same class in 12 cbse ) .

He told his mother still makes his paratha for Dr sahib in the morn ( means the mother does not make for DIL , his kids as such have habbit of not taking home cooked food ) . Even though they have an exclusive full time maid who cooks . I found his wife also active in kitchen .

My mother also used to “ differentiate “ by making exclusive Pratha for me . May be a bit more of desi ghee and satisfaction of making for “ son “ .

So yes there are too many complexities 😅😅

*Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi.* If you had followed them home there would surely been another generation and another level of saga at home. 😇

Accurate observation with many possibilities😊

May have various reasons for this situation.

All three character’s behaviour may have influence of their past /recent past experiences and interactions among themselves

Logic or basic for this may have been some bitter/ sweet personal experiences of each of them for this behavaiour in this situation

Just a thought

Every individual does have different perception or nature

Bro ur guess is right

Daughter in law must hv taken much from mum in law during latter’s hey days

But ur observation and at the same time minding ur own business is indeed admirable

Whatever be the truth, it was interesting time pass for you, apparently!!!😄😄

MIL n DIL ki equation to parampita paremshwar bhi solve nahi Kar paege...so enjoy your questions as I did while reading your genius piece...😄

The present day Kashi is no longer what the old Kashi was .. wafts of marijuana mingling with agarbatti fragrance , the cow pies from fresh to well baked ( by the heat - as the sun never reaches the ground in the gali’s) , the beggars asking for alms , the corpses being carried to the ghats and the domain of the Dom Raja , the pigeons having fed on floating and rotting corpses in the Ganges , messing the roof tops , the hundreds of Shiv Lingams in alcoves , the sound of mournful chants , the pundits scurrying to temples and so much more - the atmosphere was such that it could not be duplicated in any other city in the world .

Well, To be happy, try to keep happy others too, is a simple but bit difficult formula perhaps, evaporating jealous ness, past bad or good experiences n a good social image . I try to adopt . God bless😀🤎🙏☝️

Well written observations, Mr Kapila. Human relations are very complex and fragile. Inspite of best intentions at times they just crack or break down. Its sad but true at all levels

Yes, one does see things that trouble one. But, as you rightly pointed out, one can't jump to conclusions without the whole picture.

True that! There could be a back story of a dominating, insensitive MIL....now physically weak and helpless....but I do feel the husband/son is at much at fault....he could very easily have built bridges of communication in the past....too late now, I guess

The lady and the Mom in law is one part of the story, and as you said, difficult to judge them. But that husband !!!!!! He endured during mom in law (mother's) heydays and now as well. Poor guy.

Thought Provoking, certainly.

A Discussion post, with so many Points of View.

No pat answers.

But pertinent Questions !!

Thanks Sh.Kapila for raising a piquant POV!

👍👌

Well, To be happy, try to keep happy others too, is a simple but bit difficult formula perhaps, evaporating jealous ness, past bad or good experiences n creating a good social image also. I try to adopt . God bless😀🤎🙏☝️

Nicely written. You have taken a balanced view, unlike most contemporaries who jump to take the side of the ‘victim’ mother and castigate the villain daughter in-law