Cremation
Grounds or Burial Grounds and what not.
Dinesh K
Kapila
Logically no
one would be keen to go to a cremation ground or a burial ground for that
matter. Stories of ghosts or bhoots
abound and it’s a world of its own. We avoid it as it also reminds us about
loss and grief and the inevitable which awaits all of us. The supreme reality
as most spiritual gurus put it. As we grow older, as I have, you see an entire
gamut of emotions there, from palpable grief and immense sadness to even humour
there.
But as I
notice the way we behave there at times is also somewhat bizarre or at least in
an absolute contrast to the sombre atmosphere. At the parking lot – Chandigarh
has a well planned area for those who have passed on - well if the hearse or funeral van is late in
bringing the body and family, the friends and relatives gather in small groups.
As I can make out, the close friends and relations are normally at the house
and accompanying the funeral van. Then start the jokes and guffaws amongst a
few who are waiting as for many its an opportunity to get together after quite
some time. Then as the funeral van enters, they turn suitably serious, the
funeral over, some are seen continuing where they were interrupted. Some don’t
even wait for the main party of mourners to leave.
That is us,
the reality is that only the spouse or children and then the siblings may
really feel the enormity of the loss, to some extent the close friends and a few relations too will be
impacted emotionally. Many others come out of a sense of duty or sympathy or at
times even to mark their presence, but the emotional impact is not there. If
you watch the staff at the grounds, they are totally impervious to the party of
mourners as they go about their tasks. I saw once a young man mourn for his
father, tears streaming down his face as he went about the rituals while ground
staff attended to their tasks. It’s all the matter of the connect.
But as
observed, it’s a place for the full range of emotions. My own feeling is that
the grief will be there and we as human beings, if personally impacted will
certainly go through the full range of emotions and the grieving process. But
some are reacting maybe out of a deep emotion even if not connected. Then there
are those who must turn philosophical. One relative at a funeral, still on the
younger side, was evidently very much moved at a funeral. He quietly walked up to
me and said “get me a better funeral than this” as I listened flabbergasted
before recovering my poise and telling him we would discuss it later ! A young
lady I know, rather young, walked up to me, face sombre and philosophical (try
and think a philosophical cum serious look) and then said, “this is where it
all ends ! Ah, why are we are so engaged all the time, this is all there is to
life”. I had to tell her equally quietly, you hardly know the person whose
funeral we are attending, go back to work directly when you return and get over
it. And then the philosopher types, “God, this is the reality, we shall be the
bag tied to a tree (the remains collected post the cremation) and we must all
realise this and shape our lives accordingly”. And so on they go. One worthy
was at it once. Many around him were uncomfortable, shifting uneasily. It was
rich as I personally knew he was a shirker at work and played the system as
such in life to stay comfortable very well. But the guy was going all out to
burnish his philosophical credentials. Finally, a firm word in Hindi from me –
ab bus bhi karo – now just let it be, got me a rather angry look but the
spouting of philosophy stopped !
Then the connection
with wealth even at death. A well to do businessman had passed away and his
circle of friend were all there. The samgari (material to facilitate the
rituals and cremation) was enormous, by my estimate it was maybe even ten times
more. Someone I knew asked me about so much quantity and all I could say was
how else would the difference be there from the others ! And more interesting, some
among the friends were murmuring about the tough days ahead for his family. Even
after not knowing who were some of us standing around near them and maybe it
would be better to just keep quiet. That is the world and how it is, has been
and will always be, a mix.
Last week I
had to attend a funeral. I reached a little late. The funeral procession was
already moving and I told my driver to quicky stop and I hurried to join the
procession. I joined up somewhere in the
middle of the gathering as it slowly moved towards the cremation ground. Slowly
we moved on and that is when I caught my breath and started quickly glancing
around. I did not know anyone but then my mind told me it could be relations I
did not know. Then we started reaching an incline where I saw a young man
walking ahead of the pall bearers with a thali and a lamp. I was attending the
funeral of a Sikh family but then there are a lot of inter marriages so I
walked on. Rituals can be mixed t times. Then I stopped at a pillar and tried
to make out if I was indeed at the funeral I ought to be. Suddenly someone
tapped me gently on my shoulder and said, “Bhaisaheb, are you thinking what I
am thinking” and he said it with an understanding smile. Well, I did concede also
with a smile that I was trying to make out if I was a part of the funeral I
should be a part off but knowing only the son I was feeling confused. Well,
confessed the stranger, the same applies to us too ! Kindly look again. It’s
then that I realised the funeral I was to attend, well the main mourners were
delayed and this was another funeral altogether. I shared my discovery and not
only the two of us, but quite a few more, who were watching us, also withdrew
as unobtrusively as we could.
Then the way
we say it in India, the announcement of a death, is also very urbane and
couched in very formal language. I am mostly foxed and have to leave it to me
wife to decipher the words and educate me ! Once a few years ago, a neighbour
passed away. The attendant they had came over and said very emotionally in
Hindi, “Madam Ji Poore ho gaye” (roughly respected madam is now complete) and I
thought the lady had just organised a major religious ceremony and achieved a
higher state of mind. I was just speaking it out when my wife jumped in aghast
and firmly told me in very clear and categorical terms that she is no more! But
why could he not say that directly, It could have enabled me to avoid the
embarrassment I felt ! Then there is the
fear of death. I was on a flight. Three of us friends were travelling together.
The flight was really impacted by turbulence all the way through. As we landed at Delhi, there was a sense of
relief. Then the plane just taxied and taxied, after around fifteen minutes of
it, I sort of remarked, so much time just to taxi to the aerobridge. My friend
was obviously still recovering from the turbulence, he said responded so loudly
that nearly everyone in the plane heard it, “look we are down on the ground, as
far as I am concerned, he can keep taxing for an hour, we are on the ground and
that is it'. Some fellow passengers smiled broadly and nodded in agreement too
!
To come back
to the cremation ground, there is a slab at the entry to the main cremation
ground. The body is placed upon it for certain rituals before the funeral
procession moves on. Once at a funeral, I was waiting for the main group of
mourners to arrive. One man, quite distinguished, spectacles and all, was
sitting on the slab and resting. He was very much at ease and was looking very
comfortable. I could make out he was waiting for a members of another funeral to return and had obviously come back
earlier. Slowly the members started returning while this rather well dressed
gentleman kept sitting comfortably on the slab. Suddenly, a mourner, dressed in
a pathan suit, looked at him and shouted
as he walked past in chaste Punajbi “ Kapoor Ji, aye dead body di slab
haigi, tusi hor pension khani hai ya upar jaan da intzaam kar rahe ho, soch lo”
– roughly, Kapoor Ji, this is the slab where we place the dead bodies, do you
want to enjoy your pension for more years or are you making arrangements to
move to the next world, think it over quicky. Kapoor Ji jumped swiftly, very
very swiftly from the slab and literally scooted out of sight as though his
tail was on fire !
As I said,
spooky or not, it’s a full range of emotions on display there, always !
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