by
Dinesh K Kapila
Life has both trends and evolution, over time and space and then cultural norms change. It happens slowly as regards deep rooted social conventions but change comes. Some get the edge of it early. Sitting with some young men off and on and mentoring them, actually ladies have been rather rare, it has been quite a revelation. On a change in the offing in certain segments of the socio economic classes.
My mentoring is the informal type, a conversation rather, not a one sided discussion, a blackboard to throw up thoughts and it’s not regular. Sometimes, to just change the atmosphere I just observe, ‘young man, what about marriage’, this start up and growth is all ok, but the personal side of life is also a priority. Well, from what I get to hear, I at times am silenced, believe me this is not easy !! The silence part!! The start up idea or problem or business is easier to discuss than what I hear on matrimony. I have heard so much from a few, well, I thought why not share their experience and maybe bring about a balance, in gender terms, a long shot at that !! Let me just get around to it.
A grandfather was sitting in a nicely made and done up double storey house and contemplating the well kept lawn and flowers. Then he thought of his grandson, a toddler, and walked up to the first floor taking his name. He found him playing with the nanny (I am told it’s wise to say Jhapa, well for me it’s nanny or governess), and the toddler ran to him and said two words,’Dada, Biscuit’, the grandpa quietly picked him up and took him down and treated him to a biscuit from a fairly expensive range he kept. Meanwhile the young mother came out, asked the nanny about the toddler, and came down the stairs with a grim face and a stiff aggressive posture, grandpa kept quiet, pretending he had not noticed. Late evening the husband came back after a long day at work and was told categorically by his wife that the toddler could meet his Grandpa or Grandma only with her specific prior permission. The poor young husband, they had married in their early twenties after a brief courtship, both from business families and it had been like this only, all these years, separate house, separate this and that. He was at his wits end.
This was the reason one youngster, a fine grounded professional gave me, for delaying any plans for marriage. He was plain simple scared. He said with this happening to his best friend, and he had other stories too. He was too scared. Or too cautious.
Another youngster had another very interesting episode to share, his own !! He went steady with a young lady, cultured, well to do, well mannered, professionally qualified and running her own small set up. Well, with the parents on both sides saying come on youngsters think of going down the path of marriage, this youngster decided to take the plunge. So he proposed in a graceful planned affair only to be told yes But. The But was that he had to live separately from his parents, that she would meet his parents only once a week and there would no sleepovers. And the day of meeting would be worked out at the start of the week. My young Entrepreneur since then has focused only on his profession, he does not know what else to do ! And feels lost and discouraged. I actually felt sorry for him.
I know empowerment, exposure, rising prosperity and the media are creating a momentum of their own. In micro finance, working for a major All India Developmental Financial Institution, I saw quite a few young women evolve and become self confident and aware citizens, many would seek direct finance from banks and not the SHGs as the years would go by. They in a way shared the same ambition and well, spirit, many young ladies have exhibited in certain cities and segments, though of course much more tempered.
I have written about the need for gender equality and the mom in law concerns for many women in our nation but I do meet many ladies who say their mom in laws have been quietly supportive and stood by them.
As one young man, wanting to get married, reasonably well to do in his profession and all that said to me, ‘I want to get married, but now I lack the courage’. Moreover, he said the various serials and what not had painted a rather one sided picture of the boy’s parents and many young ladies did not realise the constraints of young men. There were social and moral constraints and even financial, but this particular young man told me it was tough to explain and he was not prepared for some continued attrition post marriage! Versions of the incidents as related above abound and have made many a well meaning young man rather confused and perplexed.
I have tried advising that cynicism is not correct and should be avoided but then I find these self confident young men faltering, in courage to explain and to soldier on.
Another incident comes to mind. A young successful male professional was being chased by his father to meet an equally successful lady professional, only problem being she lived in another metro. Her Dad was a very successful too notch Chairman of a company. Well this young man flew to that city, went off to a very posh set up to meet the young lady. She walked in, he got up and introduced himself, barely and I use his words, ‘ barely had I parked my backside on the chair, she said clearly and with emphasis, I am here only because of my father, we will have a cup of coffee, pay for it together and move on’. Not even a word of apology for the sheer inconvenience to the young man ! They had talked on the phone, on video calls and what not, she could have just told him. Then only. Meanwhile this youngster continues to progress professionally but feels too traumatised as of now to meet anyone else !
There is one perpetual and consistent crib by some young gentlemen, that of the treatment meted out to their parents. A couple of days with them by his parents and the daughter in law’s nerves are on an edge, the husbands bear the brunt of it. But if the young lady’s parents come over, it’s smiles and smiles all the time. This, as a few youngsters said, is causing anxiety and keeps many a youngster from marrying even when he can. At least this is the impression I get. All I can say is that meet up more often before marriage and let the sharp edges of perception wear out.
And then some young men who are friends of lawyers get mortified by their tales of cases and forget the vast majority of married couples are just peacefully carrying on with their lives, the scale of happiness and irritation fluctuating by the hour and minute. Honestly they worst are the young men who get married and then turn around and tell the still to marry guys, watch out, you don’t what you are getting into. And after cribbing a bit and telling some tale of a silly fight, they go back to their wives quite happily but leave this unmarried lot scared and scarred. It’s a racket by these young married men.
Whatever happened to the concept of when a girl is in love she shines more than a diamond or her smile can light up the night !! Some of that is surely out there with all the dose of realism.
The fact is the balance will swing the way of the ladies as the equation of gender relations gets reset in our country, after ages, but the idea is to strike that right balance at the individual level. Don’t just scare the young men !! Reality certainly and independence certainly but have a heart too !
Of course the segment of young feudalistic types of young men are still to feel the heat but it will come their way. In due course.
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Reactions
This write-up captures the essence of how gender balance is redefining the institution of marriage, highlighting the benefits and challenges of this evolving dynamic.
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One reaction
In my job I meet young men and women in herds. Bulk of them are very clear, why take on the responsibility in marriage. A companion is good enough. And, it comes without the additions of any in laws. So a live in is acceptable but marriage is not.
And, any number of serial live ins are acceptable without questions, but, a single marriage is a very big responsibility.
I too am aware of the scenario mentioned above.
Being a woman myself, I don't hesitate to say that girls/ women are missing the tag of equality, being financially independent. They feel coz they are what Iv mentioned , they can call the shots. Some ofcourse do balance relationships.
I too can give lot of examples of girls being overconfident, crossing the line of decency.
No wonder the boys fear commitment
Another reaction
That feudalistic tribe (male) will be extinct very soon. Except for maybe some pockets in Punjab n Haryana 🙂
But our guys need to marry and have a couple of kids as well.
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